| | I have heard it said that it is in the darkest hours that one learns and knows God best. While walking through the "valley of the shadow of death" is not where I ever hope to be, it's not up to me and it is where I have been. To give you some context of where I am coming from, over the last month I have had a sensation of anxiety that has grown in frequency. I talked to many doctors about this and they performed tests and came up with nothing. Last Thursday it came to a climax and became apparent that it was not anxiety or heart palpitations but rather seizure auras. I have been diagnosed epileptic since I was a child but my seizures had been very few over the last five years. That night I woke about 2am and began having seizures every 5-10 minutes and by 6am had a seizure that lasted over 10 minutes. Thus my husband took me to the emergency room and I ended up admitted to OHSU for a 72 hour video EEG. Things got worse over the weekend as my stress increased and rest decreased. By Sunday night by seizures were still coming every 15-20 minutes and it felt like I couldn't breath during them. I wrote a letter to Will on the premise of "if I die" because I thought I might. And at this point, we had no idea how our baby (in the womb) was holding up, though I could still feel him moving. That was the ultimate low point. After several talks with various doctors and my mom (who is the expert in my seizure history), I came to the realization that I had indeed had seizures like those previously but blocked them out of memory morealess. Monday evening my mom made a six hour drive from Spokane to come be hands on help. I was given an ultra sound while having seizures every 20 minutes or so, and we learned that baby doesn't mind my seizures and keeps about his activity as normal. Praise God for keeping our son safe! Things began to improve as I slept more and limited stress. By Tuesday morning I was given the option of going home, but I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my safety bubble in the hospital room. I left that evening and began to ease myself back into life's "normal" routine.
But even though my seizures had greatly decreased, there were still many decisions to be made. Such as, do I close my in-home daycare and we move back to our condo, how much can I handle, do I hire an assisant or have my Will come work with me a month or two eariler than intended, do I leave town with my mom and escape, etc. I'd like to say I prayed about it and the Lord made things perfectly clear. But I felt for days like I was being tossed back and forth on the waves of a raging sea. Thursday night Will and I sat down and talked things out and decided that he would give two weeks notice at his job and come and help me eailer than intended, which is what I had been hoping and praying for. So I began the search for willing folks who would help be a pair of extra hands over those two weeks and our awesome God has provided.
When I look over the last month, I am moved with gratitude. Yes, it has been hard and trying. But God has been so faithful to us. There were plenty of open doors for lesser choices that could have lead to the begining of our demise. But when we have called upon the name of Jesus, He has been mighty to save, provide and protect. If God is for us, it truley does not matter what our circumstances are because Jesus has overcome death, sorrow, confusion, and division. His is the name above all other names. Several months ago, I read "what God could prevent by His power, He allows by His wisdom". When life is pleasant and easy, God is there. When the enemy comes to sift us like wheat, God is there. Because He is with me, no weapon fprmed against me shall prosper. Because Jesus lives, there is victory even in life's toughest hour. Thanks and praise are our weapons of warfare, trust and rest in Him are our armor. I cannot say that through this trial that my attitude has always been right or my prespective true; but I have throughly witnessed that when I purpose to draw near to God and resist the devil that the devil will flee and God will hold me.
How rarely to we get to pick our circumstances? It's slim to none. But God has blessed us with freewill, to chose how we will respond. Where ever you are at now and where ever you'll be soon, I encourage you to allow God to reveal His goodness to you by first posturing yourself in humilty and thanksgiving. Tell me, what can seperate us from the love of God? He has already overcome death and hell for us, all that is left for us to do is to reach out and take His hand and He will lead us in victory. I'm not out the woods yet, I know there is still ebb and flow to come as we walk through transition but Satan has been vanquished and Jesus is King of kings and Lord of lords. If or more realistically, when, He allows hardship and trial to meet me again, I know He will prove Himself faithful and good. There is no one like my God.
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| | Posted 3/14/2009 3:30 PM - 12 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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